I'm an encourager. A supporter. I love when my friends succeed and love celebrating their accomplishments.
It just feels good to celebrate the success of my friends.
But sometimes even though I'm celebrating, there's something darker lurking just below the surface.
Jealousy.
I remember when my husband and I made the decision to have a baby. We had been married for four years at that point and decided we were ready. I'll never forget where we had that discussion--at a Twins game, late summer, 2008. We were out with a group of friends and there was a little family in front of us. I was about to comment on how cute they were when I noticed my husband watching them, with a look in his eye. A look I hadn't seen before. We had talked about kids in the past and knew we both wanted them, but we weren't in a rush. It all changed in that moment.
And what do you know--I got pregnant immediately. Like within a month of that discussion. We were both in shock but ready to start the next chapter of our lives.
Alas, it wasn't meant to be. And with a loss comes anger and sadness...and jealousy when you see (what seems like) everyone else getting what you want. It took a full year for me to get pregnant again after the miscarriage and I'm embarrassed to say I spent much of that year in a dark place. Jealousy is not a welcoming, warm spot to dwell. It's isolating and damaging--to your soul, to your spirit.
I recently had another bout with ol' Jelly. A friend achieved a success that I wanted. Something that I tried for but did not get. And instead of feeling happy for this friend, my first reaction was jealousy. However, this time instead of dwelling in it I did a couple of things.
First, I talked to my husband. Since he's contractually obligated to sympathize with me/take my side at all times, I knew I could get my dose of "yeah, you were wronged!" from him.
Sometimes you need that.
Next, I talked to a friend. I explained the situation and why I was having a pity party. She sympathized but then she gave me some real talk--as in "get over it." She suggested a couple of things I could do for the next time this situation came up and then we moved on to other things. Keeping it real.
You always need that.
This recent experience with jealousy got me thinking about a quote I read awhile ago from a writer I like.
It's so easy to let jealousy take over when friends succeed--especially when it's something you want. But why does a friend's success have to mean your failure? Maybe it's just not your time. Maybe you're not ready. That's not to say you won't be, but you still have work to do.
Another writer I love recently shared this picture accompanied by an interesting post about jealousy.
This quote really hit home for me. I'm in a transitional period in my life and trying to figure out what's next. Reading this quote and thinking about my recent round of jealousy helped me to realize exactly what I want to do. What I need to focus on. What I want.
Instead of being envious of those that have the things I want, I need to celebrate them--and use them as mentors. They are achieving something I want. Let them guide me, help me.
We are all in this together. I'd rather be a part of a community that encourages and loves instead of hates.
Because the last thing I want to be is a part of the bad crowd in a T-Swift song. Haters gonna hate, but I'm not playing that game.
xo Sara