How are you?

I sat in the Starbucks drive-thru lane on Wednesday, November 9th, 2016 in a STATE. I write STATE because I don't know how else to describe it. A state of denial? No, I wasn't in denial, it was clear what was happening. A state of horror? The horror was there, but it was mixed with fear and anger and sadness and dread and emptiness. So, yeah, I was in a STATE.

As I got to the window to hand over my phone to pay, the barista asked, "How are you today?"

How am I.

Considering I couldn't leave my house without my biggest sunglasses to cover my puffy, red eyes, it was pretty clear how I was. 

I wanted to shout, "How am I? A hate-filled, misogynistic, homophobic, xenophobic, fear-mongering, racist was just elected President of the United States. How do you think I am? I mean, how are YOU???" 

But I said, "fine," paid, got my drink and went on my way, hoping he didn't see the tears that had escaped past the border of my sunglasses. 

*****

Two days later I sat in the same drive-thru lane. So many emotions had poured out of me over the span of 48 hours. Disbelief turned to shock turned to horror turned to anger turned to more anger turned to fear turned to an intense sadness. 

I was still in a state but just that. A state. Not a STATE. Things had started to calm down for me a little. Not like I was zen or anything, but I wasn't on the verge of tears or crying every other minute.

I got there by turning my focus to my family. I turned off the news. I actually just turned off the TV, in general. I turned ON music. I got off of social media. {Well, part of my job involves social media, so I didn't leave it entirely. But I limited my consumption.}

I also saw Glennon Doyle Melton speak, and I laughed for the first time since Monday.

She said a couple of very powerful things, like: 

"First the pain, then the rising."
"Be the person you have been waiting for." 

It starts with us. It starts with me. 

So I sat in the very long Starbucks drive-thru lane wondering how I could make a difference, what my role might be. 

I got to the end of the line and the barista seemed frazzled. She was doing things out of order (I'M A REGULAR, OK) and not scanning my phone which I was holding out the window like a darn fool, waiting. 

She then handed me my drink and said, "Ok, you're all set, have a great day."

"I haven't paid." (I was a little impatient, nothing was going the way it always does, I wanted my routine! Consistency! Something normal!)

"The car in front of you took care of that."

"Oh! Well, uh, oh! That's really great! Wow!" (I stuttered. I didn't know what to say. Suddenly the frazzled barista seemed cool and I was the one trying to find the words.)

"Have a great day!"

"Wait! I want to pay it forward, I'll buy for the next car." (Ok, I finally hit my stride, again.) 

"She paid for that car, too." 

"Ok, well can we just pick it up where this saint left off?" (I mean, seriously??)

Pulling out of Starbucks I felt better than when I arrived. No, I didn't change the world. But I took someone else's example. Someone who was becoming the person they were waiting for and took action, small as it was. She changed my morning. She inspired me. 

It starts with us. And then it spreads to our communities.  

So today, I'm better. How are you?

xo Sara